And so, in September 2004, I headed back to NZ for 2 weeks of job-seeking. There were no kids to consider and I had no contact with my family, so it was entirely feasible to make a completely clean break. Once the marriage fell apart completely, I figured there was no better time for me to seek out that new life on my own. Long story short : I fell in love with the place. April 2004 saw us jetting 12,000 miles around the globe to glorious Aotearoa. With NZ being the furthest away, we figured that a trip to 'suss out' the place was called for even if we didn't feel it was right for us as somewhere to live, at least we'd get a holiday-of-a-lifetime in a land half a world away. Ultimately the choice came down to Canada and New Zealand.

The marriage was growing stale, as was life in general, and the opportunity to start afresh held many attractions. It was time to get out.Īfter lengthy discussion, my then-wife and I decided that emigrating could be just the shot in the arm that we needed. Too much power in the hands of those least fitting to wield it, too little incentive to achieve something with your life, too many taxes, too many expenses and too few truly pleasant people scattered about the land. Unfortunately Preston, like so much of the UK, had been overrun by the Scourge of Scumdom, the Malaise of Mediocrity, the Blight of Blighty. Not the most salubrious of cities to find yourself in, but I'd grown accustomed to the place after spending most of the latter half of my life there. Perhaps a little 'background' would be a good place to start.Īround 6 years ago I was 38, married and living in Preston, England. So here I am, blogging away because apparently it's something I'm supposed to have been doing for the last 5 years or so. Stay tuned for the first enthralling chapter. I think the best plan of attack would be to post one blog per year for 2005 to 2009, each with the main points of interest for the year, supplemented by individual blogs for key events. I'll even try to keeps things roughly in chronological order, though I'm making no promises.

what's been happening in those five years? Trying to give a detailed history would be mind-numbingly tedious, even for me, so I figure the 'edited highlights' will have to do. Sure, there's plenty of things I miss - the history, the culture (pre-Scumbaggery), the scenery, some of the music, some of the TV, a decent pint, Walkers crisps and, above all else, my friends - but the idea of ever living there again actually gives me an unpleasant feeling of queasiness. Yeah, I figure the chances of me returning to the UK are microscopically small now. So much for the original idea of coming out here 'for a year, to see how it goes'! I arrived on a Work Visa, but applied for my Residency a few months after getting here - by which time I already knew that I wanted to stay. That's how long I've lived in New Zealand. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.Five years. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.

Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. BROTHER MAYNARD: “ Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.”ĬLERIC: “…And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu…”ĬLERIC: “…And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

Pommie git